Two years ago, with the little help from my friend psilocybin I awoke from my unconscious state of being. It was then that I verbalized to my partner, Sunil, that I didn’t feel like I fit in this world; for as long as I can remember I have felt this way. I was trying to fit myself into jobs, relationships and activities that weren’t right for me. I was conforming to society's definition of success and happiness. From that day forward I was on a mission to find a path that allowed me to be myself.
It always starts with the self.
I had to retreat inward and eliminate distractions to find my true and authentic self which was being smothered by pain, trauma, mistakes, subconscious beliefs and attitudes that were no longer serving me. I had to accept and feel all of my emotions, get curious and lay it all out in my journal to see myself for exactly who I was before I could start piecing myself back together.
"In a world that entices us to browse through the lives of others to help us better determine how we feel about ourselves, and to in turn feel the need to be constantly visible – for visibility these days seems to somehow equate to success – do not be afraid to disappear from it, from us, for a while and see what comes to you in the silence." - Michaela Coel
My friend Moyra's book recommendation: Silence: The Power of Quiet in a World Full of Noise by Thich Nhat Hanh
We all need a SPIRE toolkit that we can build into our daily lives. Here's a glimpse into mine:
Spiritual
Through daily meditation practice and reflecting on Eckhart Tolle’s wise words in his book, The Power of Now, I am able to be more present and live in the now. Not worrying so much about the future and noticing the beauty in the simple things. There are signs all around us, but we need to be present in order to notice them.
I'm living my purpose of helping others by volunteering my time each week at my local food bank. Small changes can make a big difference if we apply them consistently.
We all have a purpose in this world; one that allows us to be our authentic self. To find it, we need to give ourselves the time and space, be honest with what we truly want and need and make the necessary changes no matter how uncomfortable it may seem at the time. Life is too short to do what you have to do. It's barely long enough to do what you want to do.
Physical
Yoga moves my body in a gentle and grounding way and allows me to release emotions and gain clarity. I fell in love with Yin yoga all over again. And I can't wait to get back out on my bike this spring and take on some steep climbs.
It’s about finding what kind of movement works for you and making it a habit. Sunil and I sometimes meet in between meetings and do 30-seconds of jumping jacks or my personal favourite, spinning. Always ending with a warm hug because touch is an important aspect of physical wellbeing. So go hug someone now (pet, friend, parent, partner)!
Intellectual
The Happiness Studies Academy (HSA), which teaches the science of happiness, sparked my love of learning and the community of kind, honest and passionate humans has propelled me forward in a way I could never have imagined. I remember on week 1 saying, I wish I had learned this way throughout my time in the archaic education system. Little did I know why I felt so strongly about this method of teaching (keep reading to find out ;)).
I’m still deep in learning and growth mode and I know this is just the beginning of all the wonderful knowledge I will continue to accumulate over the rest of my life.
Relational
My relationships are my foundation, my support and encouragement through all that’s come my way. Over the past 6-months I’ve formed deeper connections with Sunil, friends and family and now realize why relationships are the number one predictor of happiness. We need to be more vulnerable, honest, empathetic and sensiitive in order to help ourselves and others. It's the only way to form long-lasting loving relationships.
I’m beyond grateful to have had Sunil’s support and warm hugs through all of this. He gave me the space I needed to go on my own journey. His open mind, honest feedback, patience and willingness to listen to all of my business ideas, thoughts and debriefs of HSA learnings has helped me get clear on my purpose of helping others, stay focused and has given me the confidence to keep moving forward.
And Shannon, my best friend, coach and voice of reason. We’ve been on our separate journeys, giving each other space and time to work through our own unique past and when possible coming together in-person in our favourite park. And for the in-between times sharing our current dilemmas, learnings and realizations through audio messages. After many lost messages we now have a list of audio message feature improvements for Apple to add to their backlog. Glitches aside, you helped me find my authentic voice. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without Shannon’s dedicated support, encouragement and sharing of personal experiences to help guide my decision making for those times when my emotions consume me. You are one of a kind and I’m so excited to see where your journey leads you.
We all need a strong support network to celebrate the good times and to lift us up during the hard times. Quality over quantity.
Emotional
I gave myself permission to be human. To feel all my emotions, listen to my thoughts and notice my physical sensations. Journaling provided me with a safe space to release my emotions, understand my thoughts, see new perspectives, identify triggers, start noticing patterns and over time uncover the root cause.
Journaling was also my source of inspiration for realizing my dreams of building a product. Over the past year I’ve been writing product ideas, features and inspiration from my past experiences.
If you are interested in journaling I created and ran a journaling workshop and 4-week program and thanks to the honest feedback I received from my loyal supporters, it has evolved.
I’ve been receiving the previous homeowner’s Psychology Today magazine, thank you Julia Yee, I promise to pay it forward. The magazine has been paralleling my self-discovery journey with the most recent issue being titled, “YOUR HIDDEN SUPER POWERS”. I read the magazine cover to cover within the first day, as I always do, and then left it out on the dining table as a source of inspiration.
Later that week, I found what might be the final piece of my puzzle. All of this work of getting to know myself, experimenting with psilocybin, being vulnerable, finding tools that helped me manage my emotions, having deep and oftentimes uncomfortable conversations and being part of the Happiness Studies Academy led me to understand that I have attention deficit disorder (ADD).
I felt instantly complete. Everything now makes sense; my struggles with focusing on things I’m not interested in, my range of emotions and the need for me to always be doing something. It also made me realize why I’m so happy right now because I’m finally engaged in things that I care about, I have the space and freedom to take on each day in a way that works for me and I know I have everything I need to move forward including a book called Scattered Minds by the brilliant man who taught me about trauma, Gabor Maté.
I’m very relieved that I figured this out now because my 14-year old self would not have been able to handle another thing that made me “different”. I won’t spend too much time discussing the mistreatment of ADD within the education system and the stigma that still exists (coming soon in the form of a podcast ;)), but we need to stop treating it like it's a weakness. Change the school curriculum and teaching methods. Teach the teachers! Make education accessible to all. But in the meantime, if I need to get up from my desk and go for a walk to think more clearly, let me, otherwise in (teenage) Alison fashion I will disrupt the class, then get kicked out and finally have my space in the hallway sitting on the floor with a smile on my face. Just where I need to be. Success!
It’s actually where I am right now; on the floor of my basement, journal in hand, writing these words with the warmth of the fire brushing up against my arm. My safe space.
I believe that attention deficit disorder is my superpower! My ability to hyperfocus on something I’m passionate about has led me to build a product vision that I’m ready to share with all of you. The people who have accepted me for all of me. I’ve been keeping it close to my heart, where it originated, but it’s time to put it out there. Come what may. But be gentle.
I'll be shifting my focus and energy away from my personal brand so if you're interested in keeping up to date, click on the logo below to subscribe to the regrow journal where I’ve shared my product vision and will start revealing and testing features of regrow. For those interested in product management, I will be reflecting often about the process of building a product and will do my best to share my successes, failures and everything in between.
